This is the time of year when family and friends ask that all intriguing question, “What do you want for Christmas, little boy” (or little girl, or little androgyny).
Yes, deep in my heart I know that it’s the intangible things that are really important this Christmas. Since I don’t work for the Defense Department or a weapons manufacturer or dealer, “Peace on Earth” would be a pretty good gift.
On the other hand, I love toys and stuff. Our house, closets, shed, attic, storage – all full of stuff.
My office is full of stuff that I’ve collected over the years (the photo is just a small, small sample of the stuff I have): Pez, Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman “What Me Worry?” doll, a shark in a bottle, a quart of tiny treasures and trinkets, a Red Barron’s Fokker, a toy robot, a sprint car, tons of crayons, a beaded turtle Sir Hook brought back from a media trip…
And here’s the sad thing: I can’t get rid of any of it! What I really need for Christmas a bigger place for my stuff. Which reminds me of a rant that our friend George Carlin used to perform. I think it’s a pretty good lesson this time of year on what’s important:
The meaning of life is to find a place for your stuff. And all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff.
This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff!
Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Sometimes you gotta put your stuff in storage. There’s a whole industry based on keeping your stuff you don’t have room in your house for.
Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the goddamn place! Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"
Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house.
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And so it goes. Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.
So, all I want for Christmas this year is one of those cards that says, “For the man who has everything, I’m making a donation to ‘Save the (fill in your favorite cause)’ in your name.”
Oh, and maybe one more thing: LOTS OF FUN STUFF!
Sir Bowie of Greenbriar (which is full of stuff)