Thursday, February 12, 2009

Happiest Day of My Life

www.theonion.com is one of my favorite new sites, i have found recently.

With the national news bulletins tiptoeing between political correctness, convention, etiquette and absurdity, this is a beautifully tongue in cheek chuckle at the between the lines news.. with a classic example below, demonstrating admirably that no matter what is said in blogs... we only show the world what we have to.

'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding Baby

February 7, 2009 |

PASADENA, CA—Looking out at a sea of expectant faces, new father Dan Rudloff commemorated the birth of his daughter, Elizabeth, by holding the small, vulnerable child in his arms and blurting out a series of lies and half-truths about how happy he was at that moment.

New father Dan Rudloff tries to express joy while realizing he will never ever be able to get that boat.

"Oh my God," said Rudloff, staring down at the squalling, vernix-covered infant who will depend on him for everything from eating, to bathing, to keeping her head upright. "She's beautiful."

Realizing he was now forever tethered to this utterly helpless new life, responsible for its shelter, upbringing, education, safety, and all related expenses for the next 18—or, perhaps more accurately, 25—years, Rudloff rattled off a series of patently false pleasantries about being overjoyed with his new baby girl. The 32-year-old property manager even managed to form his lips into the strained approximation of a smile, despite suffering through near-constant visions of dropping the fragile baby or accidentally squishing her delicate internal organs with his clumsy, brutish hands.

According to onlookers, Rudloff took the resulting lull in conversation as an opportunity to shift his gaze from his wailing progeny and stare into his wife's opiate-sedated eyes, at which point the two shared the knowing glance that comes only with the realization that your days of selfish solitude, unrestrained drinking, sleeping in until noon, and enjoying any semblance of independence are now forever gone. After taking several deep breaths to maintain his composure, Rudloff came up with another sentiment he thought was expected of him

"This is the greatest day of my life," Rudloff said in an apparent attempt to convince friends and family of his delight so he could sit down, drink a glass of water, and gather his thoughts. "I've never been happier."

In fact, records indicate the new father had been happier on several occasions in the past month alone, usually following a satisfying meal. Records also suggest the greatest day of his life actually involved a particularly fun round of miniature golf that ended with the coital act that resulted in the child he was now holding.

Nevertheless, Rudloff continued to grasp for more happy words to conceal his trepidation at not being able to casually leave the house for the next 13 years without making provisions for his daughter.

"This is so…," said Rudloff, thinking "nightmarish nightmarish nightmarish" as tears began to well in his eyes. "I never thought this day would actually come. I'm—I'm speechless."

Thus fulfilling the first of thousands upon thousands of new fatherly obligations, Rudloff posed for a picture.

Though not a habitual liar, Rudloff has skirted the truth to meet social expectations on previous occasions. Late last year, he expressed gratitude to his mother-in-law after receiving a Scottish sweater for Christmas; and from the ages of 14 to 16, he feigned an interest in playing JV football.

After estimating that he had held her for an adequate amount of time, Rudloff quickly scanned the room to find a suitable candidate to whom he could relinquish control of the infant before he completely lost it right there in front of everyone he knew.

"I can't imagine doing anything greater than this with my life," said the hapless father, hoping against hope that his daughter would not retain the memory of his trembling arms and grow to resent him, leaving home at 15 to cover her body in tattoos and piercings and hitchhike around the country, bedding any random trucker whose arms would give her the feeling of protection she never received from her worthless dad. "Here you go, honey."

Satisfied with his masquerade of cheerfulness, Rudloff gingerly handed the infant back to his wife.

"I'm so proud of you," Dana Rudloff said while thinking about an old college boyfriend she broke up with who went on to become a successful software designer. "You'll make a great father."

Sir D of O

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was the due date for our own Elizabeth - more properly Amy Elizabeth who chose to make Valentine's Day her birth date - and I/we can totally relate to the extreme emotions you feel when you're handed that first newborn

Twenty-two years later we are preparing to celebrate her birthday and also Valentine's Day, and we're still experiencing the highs and lows of family life

These are the Days Of Our Lives - long may we share them!

Lady Suzanne of Greenbriar
who's very thankful to not be 9 months pregnant on this day

Anonymous said...

......i could have chosen any number of just as funny subtle takes on journalise news writing... but that one struck a lot of chords... as child birth is the single most important thing in a lifetime... yet the whole concept, when you are young and not a parent...seems, to use a pun, inconcievable. ( arf arf )
Young people today, raised on instant enjoyment and short attention spans, don't seem to realise the commitment and patience required to be a parent...
This, was brought home this day ( ironically the 13th ) when, almost as a classic example of the way UK society seems to be coming unravelled in certain sectors... a 13 year old baby-faced boy is splashed on the front of every newspaper, having become a father with his "girlfriend" a 15 year old girl.
The unrealness of all this is they are photographed as a normal adult family would be, but interviewed on TV he claims he is going to be a great Dad...yet has no concept of what he has to do...thinking his pocket money should cover the expenses etc.
etc...

No doubt our lucretive welfare system here , a reason we have the largest teenage pregnancy rate in the western world will mean that they will get full child benefits, and a two bedroom house, in a good area, paid for by the state.. Go figure. The Girls at school are very quick to work this out, and clearly in this case... seeing as it is illegal for an older man to have sex with a girl under 16.. she went the route that mean't no one gets charged, and everyones a winner.
I keep hoping it is a tale from The Onion itself... that the kids , ( sorry the parents )
have actually cooked all this up to scam a whole lot of money off the newspapers, and that the young boy, ( and he really is a young boy not some mature young teen ) is not the dad, and some other guy is, who is being protected...

Seems not tho.

Sir dayvd ( The Onion is behind the ball on this one,,,,you just couldn't make it up ) of Oxfordshire

Sir Hook of Warrick aka "David K Wells" said...

Ah the 14 Club! Our daughter Maegan was the second addition of this Terrible Triage Trio! We'll be celebrating her 22nd on the 14th of May.

It only seems like yesterday when I was holding Maegan while trying to act like I was still a party animal down at the pits at Thunder on the Ohio! The mullet and Don Johnson "Miami Vice" Ray Ban's still couldn't disguise the fact that I was a "dad"!

So, here I am today still paying her way to Grad School and trying to figure out if I'll ever get that boat to cruise the Ohio River!

But, I wouldn't trade these years for anything, and that's the TRUTH!

Sir Hook the Old Man Father Christmas of my Children of Warrick