Monday, December 14, 2009

Deity/God/Other Satisfaction Survey
(Thanks to Sir Dayvd for passing along this, well, thought provoking survey)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.

In order to better serve your needs, The Almighty asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Koran

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?

Please check all that apply:

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to wee off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ @#&% was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?

Please check all that apply:

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Amon Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Cindy Crawford

__ Elvis

__ A burning shrub

__ Psychiatry

__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply:

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ Amway

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals

__ Human sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ Barney Fife

__ Other:___________________ __

__ None

7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below:

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know.

e. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following

(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL


b. Miracles:


1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever


9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?


__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my ownmortal soul

__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money


10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

And Now for the answers you wish you had come up with:



1. How did you find out about your deity?

Near Life Experience


__ Other (specify): Heroic dose of psychadelics leading to the above near life experience.


2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false gods!
I accepted Eris into my pineal gland. She has now assumed squatters rights. Nuit Hadit and Ra Hoor are hanging around also.


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Hell no.

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:


Phrohibits the eating of no hot dog buns on a Friday.


__ Makes mistakes
She apologised for the Trojan war but possums had nothing to do with her. She also claims her mistakes are actually ineffable but as she says 'I would say that wouldn't I?'


__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
She doesn't look after life , she just has it on tvr - gets drunk and invites Fundamentalists round for the highlights.Then giggles herself stupid.

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
Best not to beseech...

__ Requires burnt offerings
No. She likes her pizza non carbonized.

__ Requires virgin sacrifices
She likes virgins to eat hot dogs.

She can be a bit of a B*tch on occasion.


4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?

Please check all that apply:

__ @#&% was falling out of the sky

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?

Please check all that apply:


__ Amon Ra
He's the sun god, he's the fun god, Ra Ra Ra!

__ Beelzebub

Fly my pretties fly!

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
Not on my worst trips.

__ The Great Spirit
Vodka?

__ The Great Pumpkin

Jack? Sure.

__ The Sun
Only for the sport section.

__ The Moon
A few times. Always involves the Great Sprit.


__ The Force
No. But the robes are snazzy.

__ Cindy Crawford
No - Shakira certainly.

__ Elvis
Gold Lame Elvis! He's a patron Saint of 'eatwhateveryoulikei sm'.

__ A burning shrub
Have had many, many burning shrubs. My rolling is getting pretty good.


6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply:

__ Tarot
Good for 'snap'.

__ Astrology
Don't know how anyone can afford 12 houses.

__ Television
*Makes ward off evil sign.*

__ Fortune cookies
Can't bake, won't bake.

__ Ann Landers
The Scarlet woman! Fallen is Babylon the great!

__ Psychic Friends Network
Umm. What?

__ Dianetics

No diets please I'm a hot dog.

__ Palmistry
heh heh heh *giggles*

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
Only for sigil magick. Or when I'm breathing.

__ Self-help books
Thats the trouble with self improvement. I know when it's time to quit.

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
And the Oh-God of hangovers.

__ Biorhythms
I don't like trance.

__ Alcohol
Often.

__ Marijuana
Not as often as I would like.

__ Bill Clinton
Good for laughter. Clears a sacred space like no other. Tends to distract the females in circle.

__ Tea Leaves
Smokable?

__ EST
What? No really..What?

__ Amway
The eye in the pyramid...


__ CompuServe
Again- what?

__ Mantras
"It wasn't me , it wasn't me, it wasn't me."

__ Jimmy Swaggert
I always thought he should be a cowboy.

__ Crystals
DMT? Crack? Meth? What?

__ Human sacrifice
"I sacrifice a male child of perfect innocence daily" (coughs)

__ Pyramids
Yeah - like I'd get planning permission.

__ Wandering around a desert
Do sand dunes count?

__ Insurance policies
No. Thats the work of the Lord of the Files.

__ Burning shrubbery
Not all at once!

__ Barney T.B.P.D.
... no clue.

__ Barney Fife
...less of a clue.

__ Other:
Mr Snuffaluphagus.


7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below:


b. Less Divine Intervention. Please make it stop!


8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following

(1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood
2 - could try harder.

1 2 3 4 5 famine
1. Why always Africa? Spread it around to the US.

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1. Millenium Dome still stands.

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
5 - overachiever.

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
2. Not enough Zombies.

1 2 3 4 5 plague
2. Has yet to really make an effort in the last millenium.

1 2 3 4 5 Spam
3. Seems content to invent it and let humans sort it out.


1 2 3 4 5 AOL
4.

b. Miracles:
Well Jude Law has a career... 4.

1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1. Leaves it to the coastguard and Tarantino.

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
3. She says doctors need pranks the same as anyone.

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
3 When drunk.

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
3. When stoned.

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
3 When out of wine.

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 " With these heels??"

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
5. All the time.

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
1/5 Depends if she is invited to the party or not.


9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?


__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my ownmortal soul

Make sure they're absorbant.



10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

Stop. Please please Stop.

2 comments:

Sir Hook of Warrick aka "David K Wells" said...

Where's the multiple choice? I answer all the above.

Sir Hook the Found of Warrick

Sir Bowie of Greenbriar (a.k.a. David A. Kuhn) said...

Barney Fife.

Believe it or not, I attended a summer-long Sunday School Class that taught The Bible according to Barney Fife -- and other homespun weaving of wisdom from Barney and his fictional Mayberry friends

Every week, we watched an episode of The Andy Griffith Show and then discussed scriptures.

Read more at:

http://www.barneyfife.com/

Sir Bowie "Gawwwlee!" of Greenbriar